It has been a week and not just for me but a lot of my friends have had difficult things arise throughout this past week. I am once again being reminded that God gives us the grace we need for each step in our journey. I can easily get overwhelmed just thinking about a week from now. I have had to call to mind Matthew 6:25-34. Vss. 26-27 “Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?” (emphasis mine) Vs. 34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”
Matt and I have been so blessed with an incredibly supportive church family. Our adoption consultant told me yesterday that she seldom sees an adoptive couple with the support system that we have. It is nothing that we have done – it is ALL GOD. He knew and provided before we knew and needed. I have had something to do every day and evening throughout the past week and continuing through this week because of the incredible people God has surrounded us with. There is room to be grateful and sorrowful simultaneously. I am slowly beginning to realize that. I am so grateful for: – God’s grace for each day, – my incredibly supportive husband who has been putting my needs above his own (not getting as much sleep himself b/c he is making sure I am sleeping first before he falls asleep – sounds trivial but it is a HUGE things, – my family’s support (even from a distance and amid their our heartaches and struggles), – my church family (if I type too much about them I will be crying – they continue to be “Jesus with skin on” for me every day), – my friends, – our adoption consultant (I have never met Tracie but I genuinely love her – she continues to graciously and gently guide us through this adoption journey – I will travel to Kansas to meet her some day!), - the adoption agency that is committed to helping make our dream of a family a reality, and - things to do and possible job opportunities. I really could keep going. It is beneficial to call to mind these things while dealing with the pain of loss. I am also realizing that I need to allow myself to feel the loss. I don’t like to. I don’t like to cry in front of people and I mostly certainly don’t like to hurt. It is a HUGE temptation to try and “make myself o.k. and try and move on.” That won’t be healthy in the long run either.
My sister-in-law, Ness, wrote a beautiful post on her blog regarding “Defiant Hope.” I have copied it below.
“It’s been a rough year for the Ryerse family. Started a year ago when my Father in law lost his teaching job in a private school because of the economy. Which sent my Mother in law looking for a new job because, who wants to teach at a place that fired your husband? Then the whirlwind of the birth of Emilie and the emotional roller coaster resulting in her being returned to her birth family after more than three months as a part of THIS family. Our hearts broke with Matt and Karen’s. We tried to trudge on, only to lose Kevin. Numb and raw, we waited for a phone call that would tell us this year of misery was over and Karen and Matt would have a baby in their arms by Christmas. But the birth-mom changed her mind. That little one was born a week and a half ago and they just found out yesterday. It seems too cruel that they are unpacking their car today which they had packed with such hopeful expectation.
And that’s just Robb’s side of the family. Mine didn’t fair that much better.
It is tempting to say, Screw Christmas this year. Let’s sit in our sweatpants, do whatever we have to do and just get through it. What is there to celebrate, anyway? Friends have lost jobs. Money is squeaky tight. Our family circle is broken. Nothing will ever be the same again. Don’t even get me started on global warming. War. Infidelity. Illness. Pain.
But there is another option. And I opted for it yesterday. I decorated for Christmas. I put up lights. Because more than ever, we need light. We need warmth. We need hope. We need peace. We need Jesus. When he came to earth, everything changed. We caught of glimpse of the way things could be. We heard an echo of his idea of how things ought to be. He lit a little candle inside of us in a way he hadn’t before. Someday it will be all right. Someday, His goodness really will swallow all the bad and extinguish the frustration of being human and broken. And while we wait, I will act as though the end turns out ok. I will not be overwhelmed. I can trust Him to work it out. I can love and live and hope and have joy. It is a purposeful celebration. The smells and the textures and the sparkle of this time of year are not just a production that has to be put on. It’s a defiant act of hope.”
I so long for that. Matt and I are headed into the Christmas season and a period of 1 yr. anniversaries (Emilie was born Dec. 22nd and we spent last Christmas in a room off the hospital nursery with Emilie in our arms). I was so thinking that having Jaxson in my arms during these anniversaries was a “blessing from God” and yet is wasn’t/isn’t His plan. I will not have another baby in my arms this Christmas to be “my crutch.” I am experiencing firsthand that God wants my dependance on Him. I don’t know what the future holds and if this dream of mine will become a reality but I do know that I have a Wonderful Counselor (Isaiah 9:6). He knows me perfectly and completely and still loves me unconditionally and is relentlessly pursuing me.
I guess if the adoption journey has been a ride then our car has fallen off the tracks
I didn’t know I could hurt so much so continuously. I can aimlessly do things to distract myself (ex. finish making cookies, unpack) but it is precisely that just an aimless act I am using to pretend that this ache isn’t really here.
Finding myself just wanting to be alone to cry and hurt – Is there a way to sleep through the month of December? I don’t know when I will post again
Matt found some statistic that said that only 5% of babies are born ON their due dates. Well, we now know that Jaxson is not part of that 5%. His due date was yesterday, Saturday, November 28th. The car is packed and we are ready (as ready as we can be) when the call comes. In fact whenever we are headed south we make sure with have everything we will need in the car so we wouldn’t need to drive north only to drive south again. As Matt was carrying our pillows and my suitcase with toiletries to the car this morning before leaving for church our neighbor asked Matt if we had gotten “the call.” Matt said no that we were just heading to church. The neighbor then laughed about the idea of us taking our pillows to church.
In my waiting time I have done some interesting things – made fleece blankets, knitted scarves and small blankets, built a shelf in our “hole in the wall (literally) closet, cleaned/organized the pantry, and cleaned dresser drawers. I have a new book (Kiss by Tedd Dekker & Erin Healy) that I was taking to Jacksonville to read – if I have to wait much longer I might start reading it now. The crazy part of waiting now is that I am doing it without the ability to leave the house during the day. Matt is driving the Pathfinder to and from work so he has transportation to leave if “the call” comes while he is at work. He normally slugs to work. The Neon is not big enough for him to be able to pick up two riders so he can travel HOV lanes. I really can’t ride the Neon during the day because it still has occasional ignition issues. Matt knows how to get the ignition switch to work. He is afraid that I would be stranded somewhere – so I am stranded at home.
I will try to post updates, if they come in a timeframe that I can post a message. We will definitely post from Jacksonville and will include pictures!
Thanks everyone for your prayers and support. We will definitely be cherishing the prayers during the 48 hour revocation period after birth (when the birth mother could change her mind.) I will have the distraction of being able to hold & care for Jaxson during that time period. Yes, I know, and get attached – it is a risk I don’t want to take but I will! PLEASE PRAY!
We are 10 days from Jaxson’s due date. Of course Jax could come before or after that day. Yes, I prefer to think about the before and less about the possibility of after.
Sorry – I am not very verbose today – continue to be full of a lot of different emotions. I knew this could/would be a difficult time of the year. Just trying to process so I don’t “bottle” it all up. I really don’t want to be a “crock pot on low” simmering.
Things are good in Jacksonville. I spoke with the assistant director at the agency yesterday. She called me. Everything is progressing as it should be. She had spoken to our birth mother yesterday. She said that things are progressing as they should be with the birth father. Legally there are multiple things that he would need to do within 30 days of finding out about the adoption plan in order to have any claim to Jaxson. He is in the 30 day time period and has not evidenced that he is doing anything that he would need to do. If everything is not done in the 30 days then the court will automatically terminate his rights. That of course is the “Karen paraphrase” of how I understand the legal process. It can be SO confusing because each state is different and things also change if the birth mother and birth father are not married.
Some very dear friends from church are having a Pampered Chef fundraising party this Saturday morning. Our adoption fund will get a percentage of the sales. This is yet again another evidence of what an incredibly supportive and special church family we have. They have not just watched Matt and I go through this process – they have walked with us through this process.
As I am waiting for “the call” the Jaxson is on his way – I seem to have quite a bit of time to think. Is that a good thing? I don’t know yet. I do know that 2 weeks ago in counseling, I told myself, Matt, and our pastor that I was moving on – ready to begin a new chapter in my life. I did acknowledge that I would most definitely continue to have moments/times/days when I would still struggle. Is this the truth or am I trying to convince myself of this? I honestly don’t know the answer to that question.
I do know that I miss Emilie immensely. Do I miss what I had (4 incredible months) or what I think I would/should have and can’t have ? I don’t know. I am quite certain that Emilie now is not the same girl who I left in the conference room. Do I think that so that it will make it easier? Who knows? Emilie has been in Iowa for 6 months – is that possible? It seems like just yesterday and like an eternity ago simultaneously! I don’t think I will ever forget the incredibly awful feeling I had in my heart as our airplane took off leaving the Omaha airport. I find myself purposely avoiding a play group that is being established with friends from church. They each have little girls (that I love) that are a few months older and younger than Emilie. It is crazy because I have babysat a couple of the girls without difficulty and I hold and interact with the little girls during church and small group without any problems. Yet, I can’t quite get myself to go to a social event like a play group. Does it make sense? I don’t know how I can be o.k. with one and not the other.
I find myself wondering about having a boy. I know that I will love Jaxson. I honestly can’t wait to hold him in my arms. I do know that it will be different – every child is. Am I scared of some of the anticipated differences and how I will respond? Probably. I am concerned that I am hoping that having Jaxson will lessen the pain of Emilie. I know that is not a fair expectation to put on Jaxson.
Thanks for letting me share – there are a lot of crazy things running through my head!
While we are waiting I am finding projects to do – actually some are just projects that I would like to do. Yes, Matt has said “no” to a few of my ideas – painting a wall in our bedroom. I made a football cuddly fleece blanket for Jaxson, sewed a material insert for what will be our living room toy box, and we put up Christmas decorations. All of Jaxson’s things are packed and waiting in the living room. It looks like delivery might be later in November. The agency told us this week that the original November 7th (today) due date was based on the birth mother’s calculations. The sonograms are what have moved the due date to the end of November. I am trying to stay on top of laundry so we can pack our things quickly when we get “the call.” If it gets to the end of the month I might possibly pack our clothes so we are completely ready. Thankfully this week we got a copy of our updated homestudy. We have ALL the paperwork ready to go. Matt has EVERYTHING together and ready to go.
We decorated for Christmas already because I LOVE Christmas decorations and normally put them up the weekend after Thanksgiving – that is Jaxson’s due date. If we waited until we got back from Jacksonville then we wouldn’t have a lot of time to enjoy them. I am sure that my neighbors think I have gone off the deep end – oh well!
At Emilie’s shower, last December, there was a small Christmas tree with beautiful ornaments hanging on it. One of my friends brought them. She told us all to put them on our tree as a reminder each year to pray for Emilie. Wow, this was before she was even born. This was done thinking that she would be with us each year. Who would have thought then that praying for Emilie is ALL we can do for her this Christmas. I absolutely loved the idea then and cling to the idea now. I can’t lie though – I had forgotten about it until I got out the ornaments. I cried while sitting and holding it. The ornament is beautiful! There are still days when I want her back SO BADLY! We a definitely entering into the holiday season with VERY mixed emotions! Thrilled about the addition of Jaxson and what an incredible answer to prayer he is while simultaneously missing the special joy of last year’s holiday season.
Here are other Christmas decoration pictures – yes, we have multiple Dallas Cowboy decorations and they hang pretty much front and center.
This is an incredible video clip about the gospel and adoption. It really made me stop and think about this process that has been my life for the past year.
I initially found this clip on our adoption consultant’s blog. I hope you have the 5 minutes to watch it!
Matt spoke with our caseworker in Jacksonville today….everything is progressing as it should be – yeah!
We were unaware of the progress with the birthfather – even though he is in prison, his parental rights still needed to be terminated. We found out today that he is going to willingly terminate his parental rights. That is such an INCREDIBLE answer to prayer. Issues with the birth father not wanting his rights terminated is what helped to create the problems that led to our having to return Emilie so this has been an area that has caused me to be somewhat fearful. The caseworker said that the agency lawyer will be going to the prison to have him sign the paperwork. It should happen sometime next week. Will I ever been happy to know that the paperwork is signed, in the file and that hurdle is GONE!
The caseworker talked to Matt about what will happen once we arrive in Jacksonville. It is nice to know what we can basically expect when we get there. One of the major things we found out is that the due date has been moved to November 28th. It started at November 7th moved to November 14th and now November 28th. Basically, we need to be ready anytime in November. The due date changing also occurred with Emilie. Her original due date was December 23rd and then the date was changed to January 10th. Emilie was born December 22nd and I was not packed or ready for the trip. Yes, I forgot items that were needed. The lesson that I have learned is to be prepared at the 1st due date. I will probably begin packing Jaxson’s suitcase this next week and then Matt & my suitcase the first week in November. We are going to get the Pathfinder packed so we are ready when the call comes. Matt gave permission to the agency to call us no matter what the time. We will be driving to Jacksonville. It is between 10-11 hours.
Matt and I are excited about meeting/getting Jaxson. He is such an answer to so many prayers! It seems so surreal! I don’t know if I REALLY believe that it is REALLY happening. I can’t wait to hold him!
Matt and I went on a “dinner date” Wednesday night. It was nice to be able to sit, relax, and talk – especially knowing that will change soon. We did talk about how much we still find ourselves missing Emilie. We were so unsure of what to expect while we drove all night (23 hours) to get to Iowa. I am so thankful that we are so much more prepared and aware this time around. We are so thankful for Bundle of Hope – the agency in Jacksonville. They will be at the hospital to meet us! They know all about Emilie and have shown evidences of being concerned about us. That is comforting in an inevitably stressful experience.
Thank you so much for all of your support and prayers!
I know it has been a week since I posted anything – sorry! My goal last week was to get the nursery completely changed over. It is basically done. I have a couple small items that I am still doing ~ sewing the curtain to hang in front of the closet (I already have the fabric), finish staining two toy containers, and hot glue some items on the JAX wall decoration. I should be able to get all of these things done within the next couple of days.
Matt and I went shopping last Monday evening to get the nursery items. We had already picked out what we wanted. It is called Little MVP. We liked the fact that it is sports themed and then I really liked the colors in it. I really did not want a “baby blue” nursery. We also picked up the paint. We decided that we wanted two different colors. I painted on Tuesday and Wednesday and then Matt and I finished painting on Saturday. I had not realized that it would be as difficult as it was to paint over the pink. It was exciting and hard at the same time. I must admit that I did cry a few times while painting. We are SO excited about going to Florida to get Jaxson in a few weeks and yet we miss Emilie. I guess that that is just a state of being – we will always miss Emilie. I know that I am dealing with the whole idea of “moving on/beginning again.” I can’t live in the past, even though at times I find myself leaning that way.
Matt and I were talking last night, on our way home from small group, about how we didn’t hear anything from the agency in Florida last week. I have been saying that I enjoyed having a quiet week so I could focus on changing the nursery. I suddenly realized and told Matt that our experience with the agency has been that if something is not progressing correctly then they are quick to call us and “give us an out.” I had the realization that “no news really is good news.”
Here are pictures of the nursery transformation! Hope you enjoy!
We would like to thank you for the opportunity to share our adoption journey with you. Writing a letter like this is extremely humbling and yet we know that we need to share honestly in order so people can pray and help. We are currently in the adoption process and are connected with a birth mother in Jacksonville. FL. She is 21 years old and is a single mother to a 1 year old son. She knows that she can not parent another child. She is aware of our adoption process and the struggles we have gone through. The birth father is currently in prison. We have been told that he will be willingly terminiating his parental right sometime next week. We are eagerly anticipating hearing that this paper has been signed. Our son, Jaxson Robert, is due in November. The due date has changed 3 times, Nov. 7th - Nov. 14th - Nov. 28th. We know that we need to be ready to go to Jacksonville anytime in November. The nursery is ready and we are excited about this opportunity.
As many of you know our journey has not been easy. We will briefly explain what we have encountered for those of you who are not aware of our journey. We have been matched with three birthmothers in the past year and these have brought many highs and lows to our lives. The first situation resulted in a miscarriage last October. The second situation resulted in the birth of Emilie Grace in December. We were able to take her from the hospital and she was in our home for four months. We were made aware after three months that there was a great possibility that Emilie would have to be returned to her birth parents. This was a result of complications because Emilie is Native American. Both birth parents are members of a Native American tribe. We were not fully aware of just how complicated and perilous it is to adopt a Native American child. We were not even aware that she was a full-blooded Native American until the day of her birth. We received the dreaded phone call that the birthmother had changed her mind on April 23rd, a day after Emilie turned four months old. The following Wednesday, April 29th, we traveled to Sioux City, Iowa, along with our pastor and Karen’s mother, to return Emilie. This truly is an event that will always be seared into our hearts and memories. Still, we do not have any regrets. We believe that God placed Emilie with us for the amount of time that we needed her and she needed us. The third situation also resulted in a miscarriage in September. The baby was due in November. We had been in communication with the birth mother and were anticipating a trip to Jacksonville to meet with her the same week that we learned of the miscarriage. The birth mother was 41 years old and had previously placed a daughter up for adoption. We were advised that the scenario was extremely secure for those reasons. Unfortunately the birth mother went through some family difficulties; her sister was diagnosed with and died from cancer all within a 3 week time frame. Upon returning from the memorial service, the birth mother’s demeanor and attitude changed. It is believed that she miscarried but that can not be confirmed because she is no longer communicating with the adoption agency that she had been working with. Amid all the difficulties and setbacks that we have experienced, we have seen God’s faithful leading and guidance.
Adoption has always been a part of Karen’s life and something that she knew she wanted to do. Karen has two cousins and a niece that are adopted. At this stage of our lives, we believe that God’s plan for our family includes adoption. We believe in the sanctity of life and are aware that there are many children being born in the United States that are in need of a forever family. We believe that adoption offers us a chance to realize our dreams for a family while giving a child a wonderful life and a bright future. Adoption is a beautiful way to build a family and a constant reminder to us of our relationship with our Heavenly Father. It is our desire that our child would never know a time when he/she did not know God and His unconditional love for him/her. We believe that there is no greater privilege or responsibility as parents than to teach our child about our Creator God and His unconditional love for us. We take this very seriously and are committed to prayerfully meeting this awesome responsibility on a daily basis.
While discussing the financial costs of Emilie’s adoption and our other adoption pursuits is not something that we are naturally comfortable doing, we are finding that we need to be willing to ask for help. Adoption is a wonderful way to build a family, but it is not an inexpensive venture. The expenses for Emilie’s adoption including fees paid to agencies, hiring of attorneys, birthmother expenses, travel, and hotel costs (staying almost a month in Iowa) totaled nearly $40,000.00. We are often asked how much we received back due to the failed adoption. The only reimbursement that we received was $5,900.00 from our lawyer. We were able to apply for and get the adoption tax credit ($13,600) when we filed our taxes. This money was immediately applied to our adoption debt. However, we continue to pay $600.00 each month toward the debt incurred from this failed adoption, which has prevented us from being able to set aside money for another adoption opportunity. We sent $11,280.00 ($6,000.00 for birth mother expenses and $5,280.00 for agency fees) for our previous adoption scenario. That full amount will be applied to this current adoption scenario. We are so thankful that the adoption agency has taken to financial lose from the previous situation and is not passing it on to us as they contractually could. The current adoption totals $16,820.00. The balance due at placement is $5540.00. This might seem like a reckless endeavor – going further in debt for yet another adoption. Honestly, we had spent years paying off our debts in order to allow Karen to be a stay-at-home mom. Before adoption the only debt we had was our mortgage payment. The $600.00 monthly payment for our failed adoption was within our budget and Emilie was definitely worth the expense.
So why are we in the adoption process again when we are still paying off the debt from Emilie’s adoption and our most recent scenario? We truly believe that we should proceed in the adoption process to fulfill our heart’s desire to have a child. We are not trying to replace her with another child. She will always be our daughter and a part of our hearts. However, we do not believe that God is leading us to put off having a family for the years that it will take to pay off this debt. We are very mindful of the need to be fiscally wise. We are confident that God will provide. We have applied for various adoption grants and are waiting to hear back from them. Our church has helped with different fundraising options. A huge yard sale occurred on Saturday, October 10th. All proceeds went to the Benke Adoption fund. The proceeds of the sale and donations totaled approximately $2600.00. We also were made aware that our church and Matt's work have been collecting donations for our adoption process since May. They have collected an additional $2000.00. Wow, God is good! We are so thankful for a church family that has rallied around us and sacrificed for us throughout this journey. We are aware that there are people that we know and don’t know that are able and willing to help us financially. For this reasons we have set up the following items. A PayPal account exists that individuals/families can make donations. A link to this account can be found on our adoption blog - http://kbenke.wordpress.com. We also have a SunTrust savings account that has been set up for the Benke Adoption Fund. Contributions can be made at any SunTrust bank using the following savings account number 1000097150220.
Thank you for allowing us to share the financial aspect of our journey with you. Please prayerfully consider how God might be leading you to help us on our journey. Even more than financial assistance, we are asking for your prayers. We are excited about what God is doing in our lives and in the life that will soon be a part of our family. Thank you in advance for your prayers and support. May God bless you!
With full and grateful hearts,
Matt & Karen Benke
Email address: mbenke1@verizon.net or
krbenke@verizon.net
Things that make me go Hmmmmm…..
I love quotes. I am going to begin posting some of the quotes from sermons that have made me stop, think, and evaluate.
• God already knows the doubts and concerns of our fears (Gen. 15)
• Grace plus anything is not grace (Gen. 15)
• Sometimes we need Jesus with skin on (Gen.14)
• Difficulty is not less than what we deserve (Gen. 14)
• Union with Christ means communion with one another (Gen. 14)
• To love the Promiser more than the promise takes great faith (Gen. 12:10-20)
• When you stop trusting God, it is not long before you stop worshipping (Gen. 12:10-20)
• Faith is not ignoring our circumstances – faith is not ignorance – it is trust (Gen. 12:10-20)
• Obedience is always a product of faith (Gen. 12:1-9)
• God doesn’t call us to a faith that stands on nothing – it stands on the hope of God’s promises (Gen. 12:1-9)
• God’s grace doesn’t stop all difficulties (Gen. 12:1-9)
• When we want to make a name – is it for God or ourselves (Gen. 11:1-9)
• If God’s intention (in the flood) was to end sin then He stopped short (Gen. 6:9-9:29)
• Mankind’s sin has plunged us into the depths of depravity (Gen. 6:1-8)
• My sin grieves God to His heart (Gen. 6:1-8)
• We use the gifts of God to deny God (Gen. 4:17-5:32)
• Why do you come to worship God? (Gen. 4:1-16)
• Sin is multi-faceted – nothing comes out that wasn’t already in the heart (Gen. 3:1-24)
• God never shows the depth of sin without showing the height of the cross (Gen. 3:1-24)
• God designed the difference between man and woman (Gen. 2:18-25)
• God’s grace existed eternally in our unchanging God (Gen. 2:4-17)
• The law is a guide not a judge (Gen. 2:1-2)
• Only people can choose to worship God – animals give glory to God (Gen. 1:1-2:3)
• We should come to creation in awe of God (Gen.1:1-2:3)
• Everything in creations screams the majesty of God (Gen. 1:1-2:3)
• Your value is in what God has and can do through you (Gen. 1:1)
• Is my stuff a means to God or is God a means to my stuff? (Ps. 115)
• What is the one thing that if I didn’t get it or if I lost it would I be suicidal? (Acts 16:13-40)
• Don’t love your freedom at the expense of your friends – fellowship always outweighs freedom (Acts 15:1-35)
• Satan seeks to use realities against us (Acts 13:1-13)
• Prayer is not last resort (Acts 12)
• Are we defined by the gospel alone? (Acts 9:31-11:18)
• No amount of ability will get you to Jesus and Nothing you do or can do will keep you from Jesus (Acts 9:1-31)
• There is no sitting on the fence when confronted by the gospel (Acts 7:1-8:3)
• The gospel is about what God has done to reach us not what we do to reach Him (Acts 6:8-15)
• God designed the week – if you are doing/trying to do more than can be done in a week then you are doing more than God intends (Acts 6:1-7)
• Nothing hurts the witness of the church more than hypocrisy (Acts 4:32-5:11)
Posted by kbenke 
Posted by kbenke 
Posted by kbenke 
At Emilie’s shower, last December, there was a small Christmas tree with beautiful ornaments hanging on it. One of my friends brought them. She told us all to put them on our tree as a reminder each year to pray for Emilie. Wow, this was before she was even born. This was done thinking that she would be with us each year. Who would have thought then that praying for Emilie is ALL we can do for her this Christmas. I absolutely loved the idea then and cling to the idea now. I can’t lie though – I had forgotten about it until I got out the ornaments. I cried while sitting and holding it. The ornament is beautiful! There are still days when I want her back SO BADLY! We a definitely entering into the holiday season with VERY mixed emotions! Thrilled about the addition of Jaxson and what an incredible answer to prayer he is while simultaneously missing the special joy of last year’s holiday season.
