it’s paaarrrty time

PAAARRRTY TIME! 

A wonderful friend – the same person that planned the yard sale – is hosting a finalization party tomorrow afternoon/evening at their families’ beach house in Colonial Beach for our church family and some other friends.  The beach house is on the Potomac River and we are supposed to have a campfire on the beach.  It will be SO nice to be able to celebrate with the people who have walked through this sometimes turbulent process with us.  Looking forward to being able to focus on the end result – Jaxson – and not the craziness that occurred in order for us to get him.  Maybe I’ll take some pictures and post them later – who knows!

Let’s paaarrrty!

it is final!

Jaxson’s adoption finalization occurred May 6th.  It was incredibly awesome and emotional.  I began crying just listening to our lawyer ask Matt is it indeed was his intention to adopt Jaxson.  I did pull myself together so I could also identify myself and answer the questions.  It was a conference call with the judge & lawyer.  We are thankful that we didn’t have to travel back to Jacksonville b/c the call itself lasted maybe 5 minutes.  We met at our pastor’s house with him & his wife and 2 other couples from church.    We received the court order in the mail yesterday.  This was the document that the judge signed that makes the adoption final.  It was so incredible to see the words stating that Jaxson is indeed Jaxson Robert Benke and is our son and our heir as if he were born naturally into our family.  Wow!

reflective

Well, Jaxson is napping and I have a church friend coming over in a little while so I might spend some time being reflective… of course if this ends abruptly then you know that Jax is no longer napping and I will have to finish later.  

Honestly, there is SO much swimming through my head right now.  As I have been getting ready this morning I have been thinking a lot about the past couple of months and the miriad of emotions that Matt and I have experienced – anticipating child #2, Thanksgiving w/out Emilie, failed adoption #2, anticipation of the holidays w/out Emilie, anticipation of Emilie’s 1st birthday, beginning to grapple w/ the possibility that our desire for a family might never happen, anticipation of good friends having babies in the next few months, and then the call, packing, driving all night, sitting in the lobby of the agency awaiting Jaxson’s arrival, seeing Jaxson for the 1st time, having Jaxson placed in my arms, signing at-risk placement paperwork AGAIN,  hoping that very soon my voice will be comforting and not yet another stranger in Jax’s ears, sightseeing, Christmas with Jaxson, waiting for the interstate compact paperwork, getting word we could head home (much sooner than we thought), driving all night AGAIN, the beginning of a new year, bringing Jaxson home, listening to Matt show Jax his nursery, watching Jax nap in HIS crib, rocking Jax to sleep, introducing Jax to good friends that have walked through this journey with us, missing Emilie still, and realizing that we would not have Jax if we still had Emilie but knowing that I wouldn’t want to give him up to get her back.

I’ll continue later…..

what a week!

Wow, what a week!

Last Monday, December 21^st, both Matt and I were home.  Matt did not have to go to work b/c the federal government was closed due to the 2 ft. of snow that got dumped on our area.  We both were pretty mellow as we anticipated Emilie’s birthday on Tuesday and Christmas on Friday.  We were working pretty hard to stay distracted.  We certainly were not anticipating the HUGE “distraction” that we were about to get. 

In the afternoon we received a phone call from our adoption agency in Jacksonville, FL.  Matt answered the phone.  I was working in the kitchen while enjoying music playing from my IPod.  The agency director, assistant director, and our caseworker were all on the phone.  They informed Matt that they “had our Jaxson.”  Needless to say, Matt was shocked and confused.  At first he thought the birthmom of our recently failed adoption had changed her mind again.  As he continued to listen, the case worker and the assistant director became very tearful and hard to understand, so the director stepped in and explained that they had a 5 day old (born December 16^th)  Caucasian baby boy.  The birthmom had come in with her grandma 2 days earlier and completed paperwork to place this baby boy, that she had named Henry Adam, up for adoption.   The agency waited until the 48 hour revocation period had elapsed before calling us to be sure that the birthmom wouldn’t change her mind.  The birthfather was unknown.  The birthmom had not spoken with him since conception and only knew his first name.   The result is that the agency’s lawyer will need to file a search with the Florida state putative father registry.  We were told that they were keeping him for us and we needed to make plans to travel to Jacksonville to get him.  We began the process of getting ready to travel to Jacksonville that evening.  We made some telephone call and began the process of packing.  We still had the baby suitcase packed so that made the process easier.  We needed to drop some church items off at our pastor’s house on the way out of town and we on the road for Jacksonville around 7:45 p.m.  During the first stretch of our trip, we decided that we were going to keep the name Jaxson Robert.  We arrived in Jacksonville around 7:30 a.m. on December 22^nd and checked into our hotel @ 8:30 a.m.  We had previously arranged to meet the caseworker and Jaxson at 9:30 a.m.  We needed to freshen up and go to the bank to get a certified check so our meeting was pushed back until 11:00 a.m. 

We arrived at the agency eager to meet our son.  We were met by the assistant director when we arrived.  The caseworker and Jaxson did not arrived until about an hour after we arrived.  The assistant director was busy getting together the paperwork that needed to be filled out and submitted for the Interstate Compact.  The Interstate Compact is what allows us to leave Florida and return to Virginia with a baby.  We were sitting in the lobby so we saw when the caseworker pulled up.  I will never forget the moment when she walked in carrying Jaxson.  After giving our caseworker a hug while she was still holding Jaxson and of course we were both crying, Jaxson was placed in my arms.  Incredible!  Throughout this journey I had wondered if I would ever have that experience again.  Matt will attest to the fact that I held him for a very long time before I would even give him over for Matt to hold.  We spent the next couple of hours holding Jaxson, taking pictures, sending picture messages to family and friends, and feeding/changing Jaxson.  The assistant director, director, and caseworker continued to work on getting paperwork together.    The caseworker ordered and picked up lunch.  We all sat around a conference table having lunch while Jaxson napped.  The only thing we had left to do was read over and then sign the placement paperwork.  Reading through the paperwork gave us a better idea of what the timeframe will be as we proceed.  While at the agency, we were able to meet the agency’s lawyer that will be working our adoption.  She came in to drop off some paperwork.  It was very nice to meet her and she was able to meet Jaxson.  She said that she doesn’t get to see the baby very often while working an adoption. While at the agency we found out some of the details pertaining to the birthmother and our situation.  I will post something later that has those details and accounts for all the ways that we have seen God work in this situation.  The agency had set up a dr. appointment for Jaxson at a local pediatrician’s office.  Before heading back to the hotel, we took Jaxson to his appt.  He weighed 7 lbs. 6 oz. when he was born.  At the appointment he weighed 7 lbs. 9 oz.  The dr. said that Jaxson was doing well.  He scheduled an additional appointment for Jaxson since we would be in the area for a couple of weeks.  It was scheduled for Thursday, December 31^st at 9:30 a.m.   We were then headed back to our hotel, WITH JAXSON. J  The first evening in the hotel Jaxson slept for 6 hours straight.  I woke up and checked on him when I realized how long he had been sleeping without waking or stirring.  God knew that Matt and I needed sleep!

Wednesday morning, December 23^rd, Matt had to take some time to do some work.  He is continuing to manage the project remotely which is difficult but good because he doesn’t have to use vacation time now.  In the afternoon we went to St. Augustine to do some sightseeing.  It is a beautiful, quaint town.  We didn’t wander in and out of the different stores because we were pushing a stroller but we did enjoy visiting Presbyterian Memorial Church and the Fountain of Youth Park.  It was nice to see the different landmarks and architecture. 

During the day on Wednesday arrangements were made for us to move out of the hotel we were staying in and moving 2½ hours south.  In-laws of friends from church offered that we could stay at their house.  They were visiting family in VA until Wednesday, December 30^th.  They also said that we could continue to stay with them when they returned. They sent the key and gate pass overnight to us at the hotel.  It was to arrive between 11 a.m. and 1 p.m.  We also found out on Wednesday that my parents had made arrangements and were going to be coming to Florida to meet Jaxson and spend Christmas with us.  We packed and prepared to leave the hotel on Thursday.  We had to be out of our room by 11 a.m.

Thursday morning we finished packing up and got the Pathfinder repacked.  As we finished, we got a call from the front desk that our package (the key) has arrived.  We were able to leave and head south to Central Florida.

Friday – Christmas.  My parents drove down from Virginia to meet Jax and celebrate Christmas with us. They stayed through this past Monday

We continue to be in central Florida waiting for the interstate compact paperwork.  We have been doing some sightseeing each day.  We are about an hour to hour and half from Orlando, from Tampa, and from Daytona.  There are also a lot of quaint shopping areas to walk around.

I am not posting more often because we don’t get internet access at the house where we are staying.  Every couple of days we go somewhere for lunch where we can get WiFi. J

Eager to go home!

     

wow, it’s been a week

It has been a week and not just for me but a lot of my friends have had difficult things arise throughout this past week.  I am once again being reminded that God gives us the grace we need for each step in our journey.  I can easily get overwhelmed just thinking about a week from now.  I have had to call to mind Matthew 6:25-34.  Vss. 26-27 “Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?”  (emphasis mine)   Vs. 34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.  Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” 

Matt and I have been so blessed with an incredibly supportive church family.  Our adoption consultant told me yesterday that she seldom sees an adoptive couple with the support system that we have.  It is nothing that we have done – it is ALL GOD.  He knew and provided before we knew and needed.  I have had something to do every day and evening throughout the past week and continuing through this week because of the incredible people God has surrounded us with.  There is room to be grateful and sorrowful simultaneously.  I am slowly beginning to realize that.  I am so grateful for:  – God’s grace for each day,  – my incredibly supportive husband who has been putting my needs above his own (not getting as much sleep himself b/c he is making sure I am sleeping first before he falls asleep – sounds trivial but it is a HUGE things, – my family’s support (even from a distance and amid their our heartaches and struggles), – my church family (if I type too much about them I will be crying – they continue to be “Jesus with skin on” for me every day), – my friends,  – our adoption consultant (I have never met Tracie but I genuinely love her – she continues to graciously and gently guide us through this adoption journey – I will travel to Kansas to meet her some day!), - the adoption agency that is committed to helping make our dream of a family a reality,  and  - things to do and possible job opportunities.  I really could keep going.  It is beneficial to call to mind these things while dealing with the pain of loss.  I am also realizing that I need to allow myself to feel the loss.  I don’t like to.  I don’t like to cry in front of people and I mostly certainly don’t like to hurt.  It is a HUGE temptation to try and “make myself o.k. and try and move on.”  That won’t be healthy in the long run either. 

My sister-in-law, Ness, wrote a beautiful post on her blog regarding “Defiant Hope.”   I have copied it below.  

Defiant Hope

“It’s been a rough year for the Ryerse family. Started a year ago when my Father in law lost his teaching job in a private school because of the economy. Which sent my Mother in law looking for a new job because, who wants to teach at a place that fired your husband? Then the whirlwind of the birth of Emilie and the emotional roller coaster resulting in her being returned to her birth family after more than three months as a part of THIS family. Our hearts broke with Matt and Karen’s. We tried to trudge on, only to lose Kevin. Numb and raw, we waited for a phone call that would tell us this year of misery was over and Karen and Matt would have a baby in their arms by Christmas. But the birth-mom changed her mind. That little one was born a week and a half ago and they just found out yesterday. It seems too cruel that they are unpacking their car today which they had packed with such hopeful expectation.

And that’s just Robb’s side of the family. Mine didn’t fair that much better.

It is tempting to say, Screw Christmas this year. Let’s sit in our sweatpants, do whatever we have to do and just get through it. What is there to celebrate, anyway? Friends have lost jobs. Money is squeaky tight. Our family circle is broken. Nothing will ever be the same again. Don’t even get me started on global warming. War. Infidelity. Illness. Pain.

But there is another option. And I opted for it yesterday. I decorated for Christmas. I put up lights. Because more than ever, we need light. We need warmth. We need hope. We need peace. We need Jesus. When he came to earth, everything changed. We caught of glimpse of the way things could be. We heard an echo of his idea of how things ought to be. He lit a little candle inside of us in a way he hadn’t before. Someday it will be all right. Someday, His goodness really will swallow all the bad and extinguish the frustration of being human and broken. And while we wait, I will act as though the end turns out ok. I will not be overwhelmed. I can trust Him to work it out. I can love and live and hope and have joy. It is a purposeful celebration. The smells and the textures and the sparkle of this time of year are not just a production that has to be put on. It’s a defiant act of hope.”

I so long for that.  Matt and I are headed into the Christmas season and a period of 1 yr. anniversaries (Emilie was born Dec. 22nd and we spent last Christmas in a room off the hospital nursery with Emilie in our arms).  I was so thinking that having Jaxson in my arms during these anniversaries was a “blessing from God” and yet is wasn’t/isn’t His plan.  I will not have another baby in my arms this Christmas to be “my crutch.”  I am experiencing firsthand that God wants my dependance on Him.   I don’t know what the future holds and if this dream of mine will become a reality but I do know that I have a Wonderful Counselor (Isaiah 9:6).  He knows me perfectly and completely and still loves me unconditionally and is relentlessly pursuing me.

off the tracks

I guess if the adoption journey has been a ride then our car has fallen off the tracks

I didn’t know I could hurt so much so continuously.  I can aimlessly do things to distract myself (ex. finish making cookies, unpack) but it is precisely that just an aimless act I am using to pretend that this ache isn’t really here.

Finding myself just wanting to be alone to cry and hurt – Is there a way to sleep through the month of December?  I don’t know when I will post again

will it ring or not ring – that is the question

Matt found some statistic that said that only 5% of babies are born ON their due dates.  Well, we now know that Jaxson is not part of that 5%.  His due date was yesterday, Saturday, November 28th.  The car is packed and we are ready (as ready as we can be) when the call comes.  In fact whenever we are headed south we make sure with have everything we will need in the car so we wouldn’t need to drive north only to drive south again.  As Matt was carrying our pillows and my suitcase with toiletries to the car this morning before leaving for church our neighbor asked Matt if we had gotten “the call.”  Matt said no that we were just heading to church.  The neighbor then laughed about the idea of us taking our pillows to church.  

In my waiting time I have done some interesting things – made fleece blankets, knitted scarves and small blankets, built a shelf in our “hole in the wall (literally) closet, cleaned/organized the pantry, and cleaned dresser drawers.  I have a new book (Kiss by Tedd Dekker & Erin Healy) that I was taking to Jacksonville to read – if I have to wait much longer I might start reading it now.  The crazy part of waiting now is that I am doing it without the ability to leave the house during the day.  Matt is driving the Pathfinder to and from work so he has transportation to leave if “the call” comes while he is at work.  He normally slugs to work.  The Neon is not big enough for him to be able to pick up two riders so he can travel HOV lanes.  I really can’t ride the Neon during the day because it still has occasional ignition issues.  Matt knows how to get the ignition switch to work.  He is afraid that I would be stranded somewhere – so I am stranded at home. 

I will try to post updates, if they come in a timeframe that I can post a message.  We will definitely post from Jacksonville and will include pictures!

Thanks everyone for your prayers and support.  We will definitely be cherishing the prayers during the 48 hour revocation period after birth (when the birth mother could change her mind.) I will have the distraction of being able to hold & care for Jaxson during that time period.  Yes, I know, and get attached – it is a risk I don’t want to take but I will!  PLEASE PRAY!

10 days and counting

We are 10 days from Jaxson’s due date.  Of course Jax could come before or after that day.  Yes, I prefer to think about the before and less about the possibility of after.

Sorry – I am not very verbose today – continue to be full of a lot of different emotions.  I knew this could/would be a difficult time of the year.  Just trying to process so I don’t “bottle” it all up.  I really don’t want to be a “crock pot on low” simmering.

Things are good in Jacksonville.  I spoke with the assistant director at the agency yesterday.  She called me.  Everything is progressing as it should be.  She had spoken to our birth mother yesterday.  She said that things are progressing as they should be with the birth father.  Legally there are multiple things that he would need to do within 30 days of finding out about the adoption plan in order to have any claim to Jaxson.  He is in the 30 day time period and has not evidenced that he is doing anything that he would need to do.  If everything is not done in the 30 days then the court will automatically terminate his rights.  That of course is the “Karen paraphrase” of how I understand the legal process.  It can be SO confusing because each state is different and things also change if the birth mother and birth father are not married.

Some very dear friends from church are having a Pampered Chef fundraising party this Saturday morning.  Our adoption fund will get a percentage of the sales.  This is yet again another evidence of what an incredibly supportive and special church family we have.  They have not just watched Matt and I go through this process – they have walked with us through this process.

doing a lot of thinking

As I am waiting for “the  call” the Jaxson is on his way – I seem to have quite a bit of time to think.  Is that a good thing?  I don’t know yet.  I do know that 2 weeks ago in counseling, I told myself, Matt, and our pastor that I was moving on – ready to begin a new chapter in my life.  I did acknowledge that I would most definitely continue to have moments/times/days when I would still struggle.  Is this the truth or am I trying to convince myself of this?  I honestly don’t know the answer to that question.

I do know that I miss Emilie immensely.  Do I miss what I had (4 incredible months)  or what I think I would/should have and can’t have ?  I don’t know. I am quite certain that Emilie now is not the same girl who I left in the conference room. Do I think that so that it will make it easier?  Who knows?  Emilie has been in Iowa for 6 months – is that possible?  It seems like just yesterday and like an eternity ago simultaneously!  I don’t think I will ever forget the incredibly awful feeling I had in my heart as our airplane took off leaving the Omaha airport.  I find myself purposely avoiding a play group that is being established with friends from church.  They each have little girls (that I love) that are a few months older and younger than Emilie.  It is crazy because I have babysat a couple of the girls without difficulty and  I hold and interact with the little girls during church and small group without any problems.  Yet, I can’t quite get myself to go to a social event like a play group.  Does it make sense? I don’t know how I can be o.k. with one and not the other.

I find myself wondering about having a boy.  I know that I will love Jaxson.  I honestly can’t wait to hold him in my arms.  I do know that it will be different – every child is.  Am I scared of some of the anticipated differences and how I will respond?  Probably.  I am concerned that I am hoping that having Jaxson will lessen the pain of Emilie.  I know that is not a fair expectation to put on Jaxson.

Thanks for letting me share – there are a lot of crazy things running through my head!

call it nesting

While we are waiting I am finding projects to do – actually some are just projects that I would like to do.  Yes, Matt has said “no” to a few of my ideas – painting a wall in our bedroom.  I made a football cuddly fleece blanket for Jaxson, sewed a material insert for what will be our living room toy box, and we put up Christmas decorations.  All of Jaxson’s things are packed and waiting in the living room.  It looks like delivery might be later in November.  The agency told us this week that the original November 7th (today) due date was based on the birth mother’s calculations.  The sonograms are what have moved the due date to the end of November.  I am trying to stay on top of laundry so we can pack our things quickly when we get “the call.”  If it gets to the end of the month I might possibly pack our clothes so we are completely ready.  Thankfully this week we got a copy of our updated homestudy.  We have ALL the paperwork ready to go.  Matt has EVERYTHING together and ready to go.

We decorated for Christmas already because I LOVE Christmas decorations and normally put them up the weekend after Thanksgiving – that is Jaxson’s due date.  If we waited until we got back from Jacksonville then we wouldn’t have a lot of time to enjoy them.  I am sure that my neighbors think I have gone off the deep end – oh well!

At Emilie’s shower, last December, there was a small Christmas tree with beautiful ornaments hanging on it.  One of my friends brought them.  She told us all to put them on our tree as a reminder each year to pray for Emilie.  Wow, this was before she was even born.  This was done thinking that she would be with us each year.  Who would have thought then that praying for Emilie is ALL we can do for her this Christmas.  I absolutely loved the idea then and cling to the idea now.  I can’t lie though – I had forgotten about it until I got out the ornaments.  I cried while sitting and holding it.  The ornament is beautiful!  There are still days when I want her back SO BADLY!  We a definitely entering into the holiday season with VERY mixed emotions!  Thrilled about the addition of Jaxson and what an incredible answer to prayer he is while simultaneously missing the special joy of last year’s holiday season.

Here are other Christmas decoration pictures – yes, we have multiple Dallas Cowboy decorations and they hang pretty much front and center.